Moonside (summonillusion) wrote in xdream_worldx,

drugs dreams sex alcohol

oh thing I just started to remember from such a long time ago is nightmares. It feels so weird to think that before I used to have these horrible dreams about 70% of the time I slept, and usually I prefered it over being awake anyway. It's just that...I don't even remember most of my dreams anymore. Oh, talking about that, one thing I really hate...not being able to remember dreams. I mean, in a lot of cases before that was good since most of them were so traumatizing I would have killed myself from the accumulation of memories there, but sometimes there's something just really important...and you just can't remember them unless you write down something while you're half-asleep, which is really annoying since you usually can't remember enough from what you've written and the writing's so hard to read you can barely understand it anyway. There's some really weird dreams I can remember though...some of them more disturbing than others...

Kind of ironically I think most of the ones involving sex are much more disturbing than the other ones not because there's anything kinky or violent but just...I think kind of in the same way pornography kind of desensitizes you it's not really...something you should remember at the same time. and some dreams just don't really make any sense and other ones are so...scary.

I hate the feeling of running away in a dream because sometimes your leg gets shorter or you have a harder time doing things like even moving certain parts of your's really weird. For some reason this seems to happen a lot with things like running away, hurrying or (kind of funny) sex. Which leads to another thing...I might be the only person here (sick enough to pass this way) but have you ever realized in a dream that you were in a dream so you try to find some random hot person in the dream to have sex with? I can remember like...2-digit number-worth amount of times doing this (sometimes it was difficult), although in a sort of sense I think because I was an in the closet gay I felt completely sexually unfulfilled so I took it all out on dreams...which is sort of sad. Actually, I was thinking a lot more about sex back then (which is kind of weird since I'm supposed to be more sexually "active" around this age)...

What was kind of weird was seeing dead people in dreams. Pretty much all of these were wih Shinjan, and all around the same year...(although I think I actually had one a couple months ago) but there were a lot of different things about in some of them, he was alive earlier than dead after, oin others there was already the assumption that he was dead but he was really alive, or one of those come-back-alive type of things, or in some of the weirdest cases I knew (like knowing a book) that he would die later on (or in even some cases, that's what the default fate was and I would change it). There was a lot of different seeing him in a gymnasium from behind the seats or there was one with being in a flowergarden as well...there was a lot of weird dreams...I remember one particularily strange dream part (a different one) where there was a sort of carnival-ride type of theme ride (that goes about the speed of a ferris wheel) that ascends further and further down to hell. It was kind of funny, how regular the pattern was, but the "group" (or family, I think I actually had a slightly different family in that dream) was starting to notice it's probably a bad idea to go further down...and the whole thing was done in caves and the weirder thing was (along with the orange-red theme) was things like was just plain weird.

Then I also remember some tihngs like going through houses out of nowhere...or old buildings, you know what I'm saying? You don't even remember what the hell they were about but you remember like a 5-second scene. Or you remember what happened partially in a dream, but you don't remember the dream.

There was one really scary dream I had some time ago (but in the same year) which had like this black-robed mage which was just basically, a bunch of teeth with a robe. they were like...sideways and looked like giant (like arm-length long each) shark-like teeth made out of metal and jesus christ, that dream scared the shit out of me. but the weirdest scary part was when I "woke up" in my room in the dream, and I calmed down (I might've actually woken up, or fallen asleep again and appeared in my room in my dream) but like five seconds later this monster screamed to me soemthing really really loud and then I really woke up. It's really scary when you think a dream is over but then you think the second time it's real life.

Don't you ever have a dream or a part of a dream which seriously, seriously seemed like it was genuinely real life? I can't blame people for getting confused about real life and dreams and think about the horror of their life being a dream. but that'd be really weird because it'd be such a fucking long dream.

What about something like when you're half-awake and half-asleep? Sometimes (usually when I'm mentally masturbating) I'm in a sort of half-concious state where I'm still in the dream but I feel my blankets or something like that. Usually I only get that when (for some reason always) when I'm fantasizing about being fucked in the ass, it's not graphic or anything, I just get really horny or something about the idea of it and my pants get really wet. but then I'm almost like conciously masturbating but at the same time I can say that I really did have the asleep part in, it was totally different from the dazed-in-the-morning version.

Oh yeah, that's one thing that sort of bothers me about gay the involvement of pain in it...I mean, personally I wouldn't really care, and it would feel so good that it wouldn't even really matter but...a lot of the sexual pangs I get are almost slightly similar to pain but sometimes I wonder exactly how close erotic feelings are to pain. I mean like it might be a lot less for something like just hugging or kissing...but I guess it's because it's a release of feelings (of need), but if you can't release it isn't that pain? Isn't not being able to kiss someone pain? and isn't releasing all of that inside (literally) pain as well then? because it's a need.

Not to mention that there's forms of it that actually do involve pain...(although I think generally it's sort of detrimental to the sex, might just be me though)
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